One of the core principles here at FEARLESS is indifference to outcome. Becoming indifferent to outcome is HUGE in building your confidence and success with women. It can be a total game-changer in how attractive you are to women because getting this ultimately means that you’re being your true, most confident, authentic, socially-free self with them.
Picture one of those guys who walk up to girls and flirt with them with ease, freedom, charm, and build so much sexual tension that you can’t help but feel it from across the room. Examples could be men you’ve seen in real life or actors and specific characters in film and TV. (Think Russell Brand, James Bond, Barney Stinson, George Clooney, Tony Stark, Harrison Ford, Brad Pitt, the list goes on.) Girls just get attracted to him, one after another, almost instantaneously. Maybe some do give him a hard time or are cold at first, but he handles it, cool and relaxed, staying emotionally open, standing his ground and maybe giving her a little shit back, and keeps having fun with her until she either tells him off – which is no big deal for him – or, more likely, until she starts smiling and getting attracted to him. This guy can be this way because he’s indifferent to outcome.
I call it indifference for short in my videos sometimes, but it’s NOT the same thing as indifference to life, women, or anything you’re working on…that’s apathy, or being apathetic.
I wanted to clear that up for you as you continue diving into my teachings here on the site and around the web. I’ve heard versions of this concept taught by other dating experts out there and many do call it the same thing. What ends up happening, though, is that a lot of men conflate the use of the word “indifference,” to apathy. That’s not what we’re talking about here at all.
Many men who exhibit apathy when it comes to women and dating (or any other part of their lives) are numb to their emotions and they use apathy (the numbing out of those emotions) as a barrier between them and the world. They may be trying to emulate the behaviors and attitude of a man who’s truly indifferent to outcome – and good with women – but they end up coming off as a cold, snarky dumbass.
I can tell you right now, here in 2018, “dumbass” just isn’t piquing women’s interests anymore.
When I speak about indifference (to outcome), it means that you still have strong goals and intentions, but you’re not attached to them. You are ok with things not going the way you’d expected or hoped, you especially don’t cramp or censor your style for fear of failing, and you can freely keep right on moving towards your goals when things don’t go your way.
When you’re interacting with a woman, you are not stuck in your head, trapped by anxiety or insecurity. You interact with her freely, staying true to yourself, and speaking what’s really on your mind without censoring yourself or hesitating.
Imagine you say something flirtatious and forward, like, “Hey, you are really sexy,” and she responds negatively. Being indifferent to outcome is not taking her reaction personally or being hurt that she didn’t receive the compliment or validate you. It’s just feedback and not a personal critique of you.
Whether there was something you could do better in the future, or it just didn’t connect for that particular woman, or a combination of both, you gave her a compliment and she didn’t receive it, and that’s ok with you.
Maybe you were hoping for fireworks to instantly start going off between you two and they didn’t, but regardless, you did your thing and said what you had to say, so you don’t need the outcome to feel good about that.
Part of achieving this feeling comes from your current level of confidence and self-esteem, which will build up as you work on yourself. But a piece of indifference is about not becoming addicted to positive reinforcement, either. Indifference is about the inner freedom you feel when you go for what you want and say what you want. Saying what’s on your mind and saying it without hesitation.
In the business world, the best salespeople actually aren’t attached to their sales. They want to move a prospect to a clear “yes” or a clear “no.” Get them off the fence. Either they are a match and they can do business together, or the client is a “no” and the salesperson gets to move on quickly to other sales. Either outcome is fine. What isn’t ok is to waste valuable time on a wishy-washy potential client.
So be bold. And don’t be afraid of the tension you’ll create by being bold. When you’re bold and unfiltered in your conversations with women, they’re going to notice you. They’re going to like you – or not – much faster than if you pussy-foot around with being docile or indirect. And the ones who immediately decide they don’t like you actually save you unmeasurable amounts of time and energy.
As clinical psychologist and Your Next Big Thing: 10 Small Steps to Get Moving and Get Happy author Dr. Ben Michaelis puts it, “If everybody likes you, you are doing it wrong.”
If you’re trying to make sure all women like you and none reject you, few will get turned on by you. Because then you’re being a chameleon, a people-pleaser, contorting your personality into whatever style you think will make that person like you and avoiding upsetting anyone. That’s boring, insecure, and inauthentic. Women don’t get turned on by boring, insecure, or inauthentic.
Margaret Thatcher once said that “If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at anytime, and you’d achieve nothing.”
And an insightful model and style icon, Innes de La Fressange really got it when she said “Being unafraid of not being liked is the best way to be liked.”
How To Develop Indifference To Outcome
Start playing with the idea that you can just do your thing without needing a result. That you can give compliments and interact freely with women (respectfully) regardless of their reactions or whether they like you.
Also begin noticing when you’re heavily attached to getting an outcome, or attached to a negative outcome you just experienced, and ask yourself if you can let some of that attachment and heavy feeling go. Can you let go of making it mean anything about you? Can you give compliments and interact with women without needing something in return? Can you just enjoy giving, interacting, and expressing yourself with beautiful women?
Indifference to outcome is also partially a function of whether you’re coming from a place of “have to,” “want to,” or “choice.’ I wrote a piece on that last week, so if you haven’t read that – or you just choose to 😉 refresh yourself – check that out here: When You Approach Women, Do You Actually Enjoy It?
I’ll leave you with one more way of putting it, this one from the great Vince Vaughn: “You don’t worry about being liked. You have to be yourself.”