Why are you going out to approach women?

This is one of my favorite questions to ask the men who come into work with me at our seminars and intensives. It seems so obvious, right? But it’s a question I use to help bring clarity. Not only regarding our time together, but also to shed light on the way these men have been going about improving their dating lives and their relationship to women.

To be honest, there is too much attention placed upon the act of approaching and starting conversations with women. Now to be clear, it is incredibly important to be able to approach women. There’s no way to meet, and date, or be in relationships with women without approaching them…unless you want to depend solely upon Tinder and other online dating apps and sites and never be able to approach the stunning women you see out in real life.

So approaching women in the real world is a core piece of what we teach you at FEARLESS, but it’s actually not that hard to do. What’s actually hard is dealing with your own inner emotions, fears, and limiting beliefs that come up when you’re approaching a woman.

To make matters worse, the art of the approach has become overhyped by dating coaches as the end all, be all of “having game” and being successful with women. It’s like the movie Borat: Very funny movie for sure, but was it so funny that I had to listen to Borat impressions for the next ten years? Not really.

Many dating coaches who’ve been popular in recent years have tried to turn male-female attraction into something they can gamify in order to sell their methods. I know a lot of these guys and I know that most of their hearts are in the right place, but I have to ask if these training tactics are really getting the majority of guys the results they want…or a healthy relationship to women.

So let’s get back to your “Why.”

This goes back to the piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago: “When You Approach Women, Do You Actually Enjoy It?” but I want to discuss it a little more with you because it’s so important.

You should never feel “forced” to go out and approach women. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do it to get a result and feel like it’s only a painful means to an end. There needs to be some joy in meeting women for you in order for you to grow. Can you find enjoyment in conversing with beautiful women, regardless of any outcome like getting a number or a date? Can you find enjoyment in learning more about women, facing your insecurities, and stepping out of your comfort zone?

For a lot of guys who want to get this area of their lives handled, they want it, but they don’t really want to step into the tension of the moment. They want the results but they are afraid of the depth the work requires. They are simply going through the motions of approaching, believing it’s a numbers game and “more reps” will make them better.

It doesn’t work. It might even make you worse since what you are practicing is not showing up authentically. You can’t approach a women to “practice” lines on her like she’s a test dummy and at the same time also expect to have a real chance with her. This is reactive learning and it just reinforcing anger, resentment and frustration toward women.

What I want is for you to get in touch with what’s most authentic for you. If you are out and you see an attractive woman and you don’t feel anything, that’s fine. If you do feel turned on by her, that’s great too. And if you decide to approach her, you can do it from a real place.


  1. I do feel forced to go out and approach but how do I change that? I want to approach, but I definitely see that I’m not growing because I’m not enjoying it.

    • Hey Julian, that’s the whole thing, the more you force your self to go out and approach the more you’ll resist. The key is to notice all the feelings and emotions that are coming up when you want to go approach, and even if you feel fear or nervousness or anxiety notice 1.) It’s just a feeling in your body and it doesn’t have control over you 2.) Approach and talk to women even when you feel these emotions – for me it’s the only way I learned to transcend those feelings and emotions that come up


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