A misconception many “nice guys” have is that women want the all the power in relationships and dating and that you should avoid disagreeing with them or upsetting them. But women want men to have a backbone, boundaries, and even tell them no. It’s sexy.
Women don’t want your power and they certainly don’t want a man to be a pushover. (Except maybe in the case of extreme gold diggers, which aren’t worth your time on anyway.)
This doesn’t mean “be an asshole,” “never compromise with her,” “never apologize” (though if you find yourself apologizing very often, you’ve probably got some nice guy syndrome running), “neg her,” or any of that fake, insecure “Alpha” mentality bullshit that the pickup artist community teaches. That crap is way overdone and misguided. It’s about balance and who you’re being underneath it all-if you’re coming from a place of “I need to assert my dominance over this bitch!” (as many PUAs are), that’s a problem too-you’re actually acting out of an insecure need for validation or to have power over someone else.
But if you’re coming from a place of being afraid to offend her, disagree with her, or trying to figure out how to her and get her to like you, then you’re being a pushover and a manipulative “nice guy. The pushover vibe is totally unattractive, weak, and smacks of inauthenticity. Women can feel that you’re just trying to get them to like you and that you’re not being real with them-they can’t truly get to know you, and it’s dishonest. And again, just SO annoying and pathetic.
Watch my talk on the Nice Guy Syndrome-what it actually is: How to Stop the Nice Guy Syndrome
Masculinity and leading is sexy. Women love it when a guy is decisive, knows what he wants, and goes for it without asking if every decision or move is ok. As stated above and in the video, this absolutely doesn’t mean taking their power or not respecting their clear boundaries, and most of the time it doesn’t need to be a huge show. It’s the little things-confidently, warmly just telling her where you’re taking her out for drinks or dinner, for example. Or being the one to say “let’s go,” when you feel it getting late or stale at a party, a bar, a hike, etc-not WAITING on her to bring it up or decide what you guys should do next. It also means having a bit of an edge, saying no, pushing her comfort zones in a respectful, connected way.
Again, remember this doesn’t mean she can never make great suggestions, decisions, or genuinely and constructively enjoy being the one leading at times. Be the masculine leader who is leading out of authentic, deep confidence-not out of insecurity about not leading or having the power.
They may push against you a little to test how solid your convictions are – they may even seem indignant or upset about you leading or saying no to them sometimes, but if you stick it out you’ll see how standing your ground (while connected, grounded, and present with her-not in your head, angry/anxious, and disconnected) will often make her behavior and attitude flip, and grow your relationship and/or connection stronger.
Often it will turn them on like the flip of a switch, because you’re showing you’re not tip-toeing around them, you’re being authentic with them, and you love and believe in yourself not to worry about their validation too much. Another way of putting it: Being too nice, if you value their approval more than your own approval (where to eat, differences in opinion, how you spend your time on the weekend, etc), why would they be attracted to you? Why would they love someone who doesn’t love or believe in themselves?
So stop being so damn “nice,” or worrying about not pleasing her. She wants you to be masculine and lead . . . and yes, even to piss her off a little sometimes.
It’s all part of the dance.
Related video on prioritizing your own wants & desires: Be Selfish to Help Others – Prioritize Your Life & Success