This is really important.
If you’ve been following our videos and reading our blog for awhile then you’ve heard me talk on the topic of Tension.
Not just Sexual Tension. We’ll get to that. But a more generalized idea of Tension. It’s worth it to parse out the sex. Sex is like an energetic gasoline, it’s hard to think straight when sex is on the table.
Sex on the table, right?
I think I’ve gone a step too far already, but at least I have your attention now.
There it was again. Attention. “A Tension.”
Funny how that works.
But it makes sense, there is inherently a tension to paying attention. Think of a soldier standing in a posture the military literally calls: “Attention.”
Really imagine this person in your mind.
What do they look like? How are they standing?
They are ready for anything, right? That’s what Tension feels like.
Compare it to your mental imagine of a soldier at ease, or at rest. They are still fully capable of doing everything the soldier “at attention” can do. They are still trained the same, but “at rest” they’ll be a hair slower.
They aren’t quite as ready. They aren’t as primed to act. The soldier at attention is expecting to take action.
What action? They don’t know yet. That doesn’t matter.
What matters is that they are focused, present in the moment, feeling and comfortable with the tension, and ready to manage whatever tension comes at them next with a cool head.
And this example of the soldier is a perfect metaphor for what I mean when I say “stepping into the tension.”
Ok, now how does this apply to the part of your life that concerns women and dating?
We’re not quite there yet.
I really want you to understand Tension and how it affects your outcomes in life. I want you to understand that most men spend their lives “running” from their Tension.
How does that resonate with you?
I know I was guilty of it for a long time. With women I was for sure, but my lack of a dating life was just part of the equation. It affected my finances, my health, and my overall happiness and well being.
But here’s the thing, I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing wrong. I was so scared of moving forward that I became “numb” to my experience.
I used to literally not want any responsibilities in life at all. Responsibility brings with it tension. But well-managed responsibility and a good relationship to that tension is actually what brings you freedom in life.
It’s not just that I wasn’t stepping into Tension – I wasn’t even able to experience it. It’s like when one fish points out that the water is great today, and the other fish replies, “what’s water?”
I was that clueless fish.
And once I became committed to making a huge change in my life I had to become “Present to my Tension” first before I could start to stepping into it.
This is what I want for you. Especially if you’ve been feeling “stuck” in the same place for so long. It doesn’t need to be with women. It can be in your career or business, the weight room, or it could be with your level of comfort in your own skin.
It’s all related.
Ask some of the women in your life.
We as men tend to compartmentalize our lives more than women who are much more fluid. Woman are typically better at multitasking. In other words, experiencing everything at once.
Integrating these ways of being (your masculine and your feminine) is a big part of becoming what David Deida calls a “Third Stage Man.” But it’s a journey, there’s no quick fix available here.
And one of the first steps on this journey is all about waking up.
Waking up and reclaiming the Tension in your life. Reclaiming your ownership over your Tension. This means finding pride in your challenges. Every man’s challenge is uniquely his after all right?
It’s a completely different perspective of where you were before.
Instead of seeing Tension as something to run from, now it’s your property. Perhaps you start seeing Tension as a gift.
Here’s a new practice for you that’s focused on becoming present to your tension and will help you start to reclaim it.
Reclaiming Your “Gift” Of Tension
Open up your journal and start writing about all the challenges in your life. You can do this as a free write or you can list out all the different areas of life and take them one by one, up to you.
Get really specific, write and write with as much detail as possible until you get it all out on the page.
Notice how that makes you feel. Write that down too. Then let it all go.
Go back to whatever you had going on that day. Let your subconscious go to work. Then once you’ve created some space between the first part of this exercise come back to your journal. It doesn’t matter if it’s a few hours, or a day or even a week.
I’m keeping these instructions loose on purpose so you can make this practice unique to yourself. Listen to your body and trust that it knows best.
When you do come back, start writing again, but this time write about how your specific challenges make you who you are. Think about the man who you will be when you overcome these challenges, think about what qualities he embodies, what gifts he brings to the world.
Realize, that you are creating not only your own blueprint for how to move forward in life, but you’re also cultivating your identity as a powerful man.
When you finish, take time to appreciate yourself – and feel that appreciation in your body – for the investment you’ve just made in improving your awareness.
You’re part of a rare group of men who are willing look inside their own depths and confront their shadow aspects.
In part two of this series, we’ll revisit Tension and talk specifically about how to master your relationship to it (and women.)