How To Stop Being Needy and Desperate Around Women (and Start Being The Man That Women Can’t Resist)

There’s something electric about sexual tension. It’s the elusive, intangible quality that separates the confident, desirable man from the needy, desperate one. It’s what women can sense in a man before they even know him. And it’s a quality that any man can learn to harness. The key is to be comfortable in your own skin and to exude an air of self-assurance. Women are attracted to men who are secure in themselves and who don’t need their validation. This doesn’t mean that you should be cocky or arrogant. Instead, it means that you should believe in yourself and your value as a man. When you have this inner confidence, it will shine through in your interactions with others, including women. Women will pick up on this, and it will make them more drawn to you.

So how do you go about cultivating this elusive quality?

Let’s first look at the Fearless philosophies of how to create sexual tension and become confident naturally.

There is no one-size-fits-all answer, as the best way to achieve this goal will vary on how consistent you are.

In this video I explain tension, how “dancing monkeys” get it wrong, and why the same words-the same “Hello. I’m ____. What’s your name?” works for a confident man, but not a Mr. Nice Guy. He also touches on the difference between practice – building social confidence, becoming indifferent to the outcome, not caring what people think of you, creating sexual tension (etc)-and going out with actual goals around flirting and creating connections and/or taking girls home.

When approaching women, your attitude shouldn’t be “Does this girl like me?” or “How can I get this girl to like me?” It should be more along the lines of “Do I like her? What’s beautiful or sexy about her? Am I really interested in her?”

From “hello,” forward-if not before you even approach her-it’s about the energy-your vibe, self-belief, confidence, need for validation- not the words you’re saying. If you are turned on by her and confident, feeling great about yourself, and not in need of her validation for you to keep feeling great about yourself-your “hello” will come across as extremely confident and sexy. That alone will start creating sexual tension. Your non-attachment to the outcome is what makes you attractive to women. Girls will often start getting attracted to you immediately because you radiate confidence, upfront sexual intentions, and you aren’t don’t NEED her to like you to keep being you. Indifference becomes sexy very quickly because then girls know they can poke at you (harder and harder) and play with you. That dance is what life’s all about!

But if you approach her meekly, nervously, women can feel that too. She can feel you putting her up on a pedestal above you, that you don’t and won’t feel confident unless she likes you; that you’re just hoping (so much!) for her validation. That’s needy and it’s often why women will say “He tries too hard.”

Men also so often forget that women are people too-and often very emotional ones- with their own insecurities (no matter how stunning she may look) and anxieties that they get in their heads about.

When you approach someone-anyone really, not just women-they may well already be far off in their own world and your approach surprises them. Or your approach just triggers their anxieties. Your emotions transfer to other people (try walking around smiling vs scowling), so if you’re confident, in the tension with her (feeling sexual energy), and unfazed by whatever anxieties or emotions she initially gives you, that’s going to have quite an impact on her and starting the conversation off right. But if you’re self-esteem is low and you can’t feel good about yourself without putting it all on her, how are your chances going to be at grounding out (being unshaken by) her anxieties or emotions? You’re probably going to make whatever she’s feeling worse, like snowballing down a hill of anxiety with her! It’s not going anywhere. Or maybe she feels like your (nervously delivered) perception of her isn’t something she can live up to. Too often we forget that everyone has their own shit going on, their own baggage (daily, moment to moment, and long-term) and get lost in their own heads. This is why outcome independence is so important because you can set the tone and simultaneously ground out-let go of whatever you get back.

The “Do I like her?” attitude is actually giving, while the “Does she like me?” mindset is taking. The former is giving because your self-esteem isn’t based on her, and she’s free to feel and behave however she wants. You’re not asking for her to make you feel good-you’re interested in who she is. In essence, the latter smacks of “Please like me! Please!” puts pressure on her to either give you the validation you’re trying to get (take from her) or make you feel bad by rejecting you.

All the lines, techniques, even “confident body language” that many dating companies focus on isn’t going to do much for you if you don’t feel solid in yourself and free from the need for validation.

The secret to develop indifference to outcome and letting go here.

That’s why the practice part (with tension and general social desensitization) is so important. I always encourage people to start by journaling all the places they feel tension: making (or holding) eye contact with that cute girl, sitting or standing by yourself in the bar without pulling out your phone, asking someone intimidating (or that you feel bad for) to move out of your way, the list goes on. Tension is everywhere in your day, especially if you’re an insecure nice guy.

There’s a time for practicing and a time for meeting women. If you’re really struggling with women, you’re better off doing social exercises for the sake of your growth, having more fun socially, and just meeting people than trying to go flirt with women right away. Then, because you’re being indifferent about meeting girls, that will often start happening organically through your social practices and the charisma you’re building. Become aware of all the tension in your world, then start stepping into it more often and pushing your comfort zone.

It’s all about stepping into and relaxing into tension. Sitting there in it, holding the tension as she squirms a little while you’re unfazed. Enjoying her nervousness or (seeming) bitchiness; even feeling your nervousness but changing your relationship to it so that you enjoy that rush and own it. Then playing in that tension-filled but indifferent space.

So, what’s the magic formula? How can you be attractive to women and make them feel drawn to you? The answer is simpler than you might think, but it takes a lot of practice to get there. You have to become fearless. You have to let go of your need for validation and learn how to love yourself. When you do that, all the lines, techniques, even “confident body language” that many dating companies focus on aren’t going to do much for you if you don’t feel solid in yourself and free from the need for validation. Women will sense this in you and be drawn in by your confidence. To learn more about how to approach women with an empowered man check out The Ultimate Dating Bundle.

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