I want to throw a thought experiment out there for you guys today in terms of how to be attractive to women.
I call it the “Do I Like Her vs Does She Like Me” experiment, and I’m taking it from my friend Zan Perrion’s book “The Alabaster Girl.”
What I like so much about this thought experiment is that it runs counter to an idea I hear all over the dating community around exchanging social value when you are out meeting women.
First, here’s the “conventional wisdom” and why it’s wrong: Most dating “experts” will tell you that you must create “value exchanges” to attract women. For example, if a woman compliments you, you will compliment her back. Mirroring her mannerisms and body language is another one.
Now, this may seem like a fine way to interact and flirt with women, but it’s not. This behavior sets you down the wrong path, and it has nothing to do with being “too giving” to women. It’s manipulative and doesn’t come across as real, because giving (compliments, for this example) to get – or because you feel like you have to return a compliment – isn’t actually giving. It’s all couched in trying to get women to like you for being what you believe is attractive to them.
A lot of guys who have “nice guy syndrome” will do this. They are playing the role of chameleon and completely changing who they are to try to be whatever they think will make the woman happy and attracted.
Actually, the greatest gift you can give a woman is the most real and authentic version of yourself. If you want to give her compliments, then do it. If you have an urge to disagree with her on something, speak up. (Just don’t be petty – that’s where tact, emotional awareness, and experience come in.) When things get awkward, if you feel her getting distant, or thinking hard about something, call it out. If she asks you what you’re looking for in terms of dating, be real about whatever that is and own it – don’t be meek about it. Say what’s on your mind and ask her whatever you want to ask her.
Drop your filter and hesitation when talking to her.
When you are being and owning yourself fully, everything you offer in the interaction is actually a gift. A women can either accept you as you are, or reject you and move on. The core of indifference is to be ok with either outcome. Nice guys are scared shitless of letting women see them for who they are…and women can sense it. But really, that’s the whole point of dating, right? To decide if you like someone enough to get to know them better, or not.
You’re not supposed to be compatible with everyone!
So many guys go out on dates thinking it’s their job to impress the woman. Even before they’ve ever met her. I’m not saying to be a crappy date. I’m saying that you get to decide if you like her! Maybe she’s not a good match for you or your life. A lot of guys don’t take control of their side of the equation. If you can be real, more women will like it than you think. Those who don’t will still have no issue with accepting the “real you” as you are.
If this doesn’t make crystal clear sense just yet, read how the thought experiment works and then go out and try it in the real world.
The Billboard Thought Experiment
We can divide the types of thoughts you broadcast when you are approaching a women into the two categories we’ve been talking about: “Does She Like Me?” and “Do I Like Her.” Those are our two different profiles for how guys communicative.
Imagine that there is a small electronic billboard above your head that will broadcast all your thoughts to the world. If you see a hot girl across the room and think, “Wow, she’s incredible, I want to take her home with me,” that’s what gets displayed. If you think, “Oh no, she’s not smiling back. Maybe she doesn’t like me,” then that’s what gets displayed.
OK, here’s where we bring it back to reality. No more electronic mind-reading billboards – they don’t exist (yet.) But what we do have is things like your sub-communication, your voice inflection, tone, and body language. And women are reading these! They can feel them intuitively. So if you’re showing up in the world with a frame of “Do I Like Her,” then your presence (voice inflection, tone, and body language…including micro-expressions that you definitely can’t control with any kind of body language technique) will project that outwardly. Which feels more solid? Which feels more interesting? More powerful?
“Do I Like Her?” is asking if she fits you. It’s staying true to yourself and it’s discerning which is very attractive. It’s knowing and fully believing that there are enough fish in the sea to find ones who are right for you, rather than desperately chasing after any that come close to you.
Use this thought experiment as a way to notice what your subconscious behaviors and mindsets are signaling when you’re out in the world.
And keep asking yourself, “Do I like her?”