You’re filtering yourself.
If you’re not where you want to be with women, socially, with people at work, or others in your life, I can practically guarantee you that your filter is a big part of what’s holding you back from interactions, connections, and relationships being as strong as you want.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in April 2019.
Too often, you’re not saying what’s REALLY on your mind.
You’re running it through some kind of filter, like:
-“What will this person think of me?
-“How will they respond?”
-“Will this work?”
-“Will they like me…or still like me?
-“Will they get offended or mad?”
-“Will they reject me?”
Sometimes, it might be a conscious filtering process. But many times, you’re probably doing it so rapidly and automatically that you don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s subconscious programming you’ve learned from years – or decades – of fear-based coping mechanisms.
We see it with clients in our seminars and intensives all the time.
For example, I or one of the other coaches will ask a student to tell one of our beautiful models they’re working with what they want to do with her sexually.
It’s a safe, contained environment, the model is being paid to work with the guys, and she really wants him to win and show up as his naturally sexual, confident, sexy self.
But a lot of the time – at least before we help him work through it – all they can come up with is kissing and very safe, toned-down language around sex.
I remember at one of our seminars a couple of years ago, all one guy who came up to do a demo could talk about on his own was hugging and cuddling. That’s not what he REALLY wanted though, and everyone in the room knew it. It’s also not at all uncommon at our events.
That example is specifically sexual in nature, but even in “normal” conversation, you’re probably filtering all the time out of fear. Constantly, even.
Fear does serve its purpose. It’s there to try to protect you. But at this point, in 2019, it’s mostly just an outdated survival mechanism. Most of the things that scare us throughout our day-to-day, hour-to-hour….even second-to-second life don’t threaten us anywhere near the degree to which fear affects us.
At this point, fear is mostly our ego. And the ego is well-intentioned, and it probably did serve you when you were a small child (a topic we won’t go into right now), but now it’s keeping you caged. Keeping you playing smaller throughout life.
With women, when you filter and stifle your true thoughts and feelings, it’s not attractive at all. (Unless maybe she’s pretty insecure and codependent herself, and I’m not here and we’re not here as a company to help you aim low.) Women tend to be much more sensitive than men to subtleties in communication and emotion, and they’ll sense it when you’re not actually being real…or, at best, you just won’t have much of an impact on them at all.
But people in general just won’t feel as moved by you, either, drawn to you, or hold you in as high regard when you’re constantly filtering or second-guessing yourself and your words.
Because you’re not being real. Whether you realize it yet or not, you’re not being yourself.
It’s Nice Guy stuff. It’s codependent. It’s being a chameleon people-pleaser to keep things copacetic and avoid rocking the boat.
Ultimately, it’s manipulation.
And it’s a terrible way to live your life. I’ve been there and it sucks.
There are a lot of ways we work on this stuff with guys at our events, but one thing you can do right now is to take on the first step in most behavioral changes: Awareness.
Start noticing when you’re not saying what you’re really, truly feeling and thinking deep down when you’re interacting with people. Or when you brush away the first thought or feeling you have and look for something different (safer) to say.
And try to start speaking without hesitation. Connect with that first thought you have and say it.
You’ll be surprised how much better things go when you truly start getting this.
Is what comes out of your mouth always going to go well? No. But that’s not what this is about.
This is about you going free and expressing your real self!
Starting to feel that freedom can feel life-changing in itself. And the more you do it – and learn to let go of the outcomes – the more the right women, the right people, and the right opportunities will become part of your life.
Remember to keep asking yourself: What would you do if you were not afraid?
Only the confident really live.
Related:
How To Be More Attractive to Women by Developing Your Indifference to Outcome
