Men who are really great with women are great with tension.
Sexual chemistry is created through tension.
So men who are truly solid with women proactively create and step into tension with them. They aren’t afraid of being sexual and leading the way sexually with women. They are able to stay relaxed and grounded under various forms of tension, whether they are creating the tension or the tension is coming at them from others. Being and staying grounded is crucial.
And, hopefully, they stay authentic with women and don’t try to hide things or otherwise manipulate. But “bad boys” and even true asshole-types are usually being more authentic with women than the “nice guy” who constantly struggles with women.
So with that said, I want to share a clip from Vicky Cristina Bacelona with you that I sometimes discuss with students at our events.
What did you see in the scene?
Did you notice how grounded and relaxed Javier Bardem’s character (Juan Antonio) was throughout the entire interaction and all that tension?
Juan Antonio was non-apologetic right off the bat.
Even the way he opened the conversation with a question (“American?”) was full of confidence and grounding – there was no sense he wasn’t sure of himself or whether it was “Ok” to approach these women at their table. Having an apologetic or unsure voice tone (which comes from feeling unsure of yourself) is one of the stumbling blocks our coaches and I work with students on all the time. Because if you’re not sure of yourself, how are women going to feel great talking to you?
He takes his time throughout the interaction and he doesn’t rush anything.
Even the way he walks over as the women watch him get closer is relaxed.
He utilizes a deadly weapon of attraction and connection – curiosity. (“What color are your eyes?”) When you learn to slow down the racing in your head for “What do I say next?” and get present, grounded, and curious about the woman in front of you and the environment around you, you’ll have endless things to talk about and connect on.
Juan Antonio holds strong eye contact, and calmly moves back and forth between really looking into and connecting with both of them. He doesn’t ignore “the friend”…or dart back and forth. He’s again calm and grounded about it.
He goes right for what he wants, and he doesn’t hide anything, even calling out sex and his desire for a threesome. He’s very direct and honest with them and sticks to his guns in a relaxed, open way.
Again and again, he is very grounded, non-reactive, and stays OPEN in the face of all the tension coming at him from Vicky. Even his pushback on her (“Does she always analyze every inspiration until its grain of charm is squeezed out of it?”) is open and relaxed. Many men (…if they hadn’t run away from the interaction long before) would be defensive, all tensed up, and emotionally walled off in their responses to this kind of confrontation.
Througout, he keeps speaking his truth without being drawn into a logical argument about “who’s right”…and he keeps feeling his words and the women.
There’s a lot more we could talk about, but this is a good start. So I want you to read through this one more time, and then watch the clip again.
But pay attention to his presence, his beingness, and emotions…not the words. Because an ungrounded man saying the exact same words wouldn’t be even half as effective.
No matter where you’re at right now, you can develop grounding, tension skills, and connection skills like this that are authentic to you.
Pick one element of Juan Antonio’s beingness in this clip that you want to develop and then focus on it for a while.
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Related:
The 8 Qualities Of A Confident and Masculine Man: Grounding
The 8 Qualities Of A Confident and Masculine Man: Tension
How Sexual Shame Affects the Way You Relate to Women
